You've worked hard on this and pushed past your sticking points, and resolved a sensitive and affecting narrative. I've given you some previous feedback as to the possibility of introducing substitute or additional shots to put us more in the headspace of your characters - some more subjective shots and POV stuff - just to break the slight 'mid-distance' preference expressed by your storyboards. Some of that mid-distancing will be effectively communicating the mother's growing sense of aloneness, but just give it some thought.
In terms of your script, I don't think you need the mother saying 'I know you will'. To me, this trust is implied by the narrative as a whole, and she says 'I'm proud of you', that's somehow more moving and profound without her first bit of dialogue. I wonder if your Simon character needs a guitar on his back when we finally see him - something to suggest, however obliquely, a career path that might be the seed of his mother's worries - i.e. he's about to fly off to New York/Los Angeles to pursue his dreams. Just the addition of this prop will tell us much more about your characters without costing you any more screen time, and somehow, the idea of him going off to become a rock-star or whatever makes further sense of the romanticised 70s setting.
In terms of moving your characters onwards, I would like to see you moving away from the very painterly style of which you're fond, to something more 'animation appropriate' - in terms of model sheets and production art. By this I mean, seeking to simplify in terms of flat colour and clear structures in terms of body, clothing and hair: for example:
The same is true for your environment artwork; I can't help but again pick up on your preference for 'soft, soft, soft' and a very blended aesthetic, when perhaps you might want to consider converting it into something more structural, graphical and strong:
It's the difference between 'painting characters/evironments' and prepping them for modelling, which often means subtracting detail and cleaning up basic curves, contours and shapes. I really want you to try moving from your blending default to something more 'animation ready' - give it a go (it will mean using different sets of tools in Photoshop etc.).
I did try an angle of going less painterly with the character designs (mostly with Simon) but I agree there's still a strong influence in there. Despite my current affliction I'll see what I can do. At least I feel I've largely nailed down what I want my characters to look like in terms of costume, hair and face proportions. But I'm presuming most of this is a matter of transforming my style from a live-action-suitable medium into an animation-suitable medium. I may be able to exaggerate their features a bit more if I
Regarding the camera angles, I should follow up on your advice, yes. The deadline became more important than the content a little bit on that one. Same could be said for the environment since I tried to go for a slightly (only slightly) more animation-like environemnt for the departure lounge and I do think there needs to be a lot more work done to it. I want to smooth it down and sharpen it up a lot.
I wil lsee what I can do over the rest of the day and this weekend.
OGR 06/02/2015
ReplyDeleteHi Mark,
You've worked hard on this and pushed past your sticking points, and resolved a sensitive and affecting narrative. I've given you some previous feedback as to the possibility of introducing substitute or additional shots to put us more in the headspace of your characters - some more subjective shots and POV stuff - just to break the slight 'mid-distance' preference expressed by your storyboards. Some of that mid-distancing will be effectively communicating the mother's growing sense of aloneness, but just give it some thought.
In terms of your script, I don't think you need the mother saying 'I know you will'. To me, this trust is implied by the narrative as a whole, and she says 'I'm proud of you', that's somehow more moving and profound without her first bit of dialogue. I wonder if your Simon character needs a guitar on his back when we finally see him - something to suggest, however obliquely, a career path that might be the seed of his mother's worries - i.e. he's about to fly off to New York/Los Angeles to pursue his dreams. Just the addition of this prop will tell us much more about your characters without costing you any more screen time, and somehow, the idea of him going off to become a rock-star or whatever makes further sense of the romanticised 70s setting.
In terms of moving your characters onwards, I would like to see you moving away from the very painterly style of which you're fond, to something more 'animation appropriate' - in terms of model sheets and production art. By this I mean, seeking to simplify in terms of flat colour and clear structures in terms of body, clothing and hair: for example:
http://d2d04grx5ahzvh.cloudfront.net/168_Article_StepByStepAnimatedMovie/modelsheet.jpg
http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/083/2/7/Cyclops_Model_Sheet_by_Nes44Nes.jpg
The same is true for your environment artwork; I can't help but again pick up on your preference for 'soft, soft, soft' and a very blended aesthetic, when perhaps you might want to consider converting it into something more structural, graphical and strong:
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8SS5O71fsM4/Ue2Z6POVbJI/AAAAAAAAASw/ytNz3l2qT8o/s1600/city+block+5.png
It's the difference between 'painting characters/evironments' and prepping them for modelling, which often means subtracting detail and cleaning up basic curves, contours and shapes. I really want you to try moving from your blending default to something more 'animation ready' - give it a go (it will mean using different sets of tools in Photoshop etc.).
Hello Phil
ReplyDeleteI did try an angle of going less painterly with the character designs (mostly with Simon) but I agree there's still a strong influence in there. Despite my current affliction I'll see what I can do. At least I feel I've largely nailed down what I want my characters to look like in terms of costume, hair and face proportions. But I'm presuming most of this is a matter of transforming my style from a live-action-suitable medium into an animation-suitable medium. I may be able to exaggerate their features a bit more if I
Regarding the camera angles, I should follow up on your advice, yes. The deadline became more important than the content a little bit on that one. Same could be said for the environment since I tried to go for a slightly (only slightly) more animation-like environemnt for the departure lounge and I do think there needs to be a lot more work done to it. I want to smooth it down and sharpen it up a lot.
I wil lsee what I can do over the rest of the day and this weekend.